Do you ever have those days where you’re ever just over it? Like, you’re over being a mom and a wife and a taxi and a doctor and you just want to run away to Paris or something? I would actually rather run away to Bora Bora but the word Paris is just so enticing to me for some reason haha! I know I can’t be the only mom in the world with thoughts like these running through my head, right?! And then 5 minutes later (or 5 hours or 5 days, or whatever) you realize you wouldn’t trade your life for anything?! Ya, that’s how I feel sometimes too…. Lately I’ve been struggling with the fact that all I do is taxi kids around to practices, appointments, etc. I know its my ‘job’ and what I signed up for, but it doesn’t mean it’s an easy one! And poor Hudson, he’s pretty much been raised in the car!
Ok, rant over. The point of this post isn’t to complain (well kinda but not really), but to just share with other mamas out there who may be struggling to keep it all together, that they’re not alone. The guilt of feeling bored and not sure what my purpose is being a stay at home mom is REAL. I know I’m incredibly blessed to be able to pick my kids up from school everyday and eat meals with them, I get to tuck them into bed every night when some mamas just simply can’t due to work etc. I KNOW how lucky I am, I use to be a single mom working 6-7 days a week and I couldn’t pick my kids up everyday after school or help out in their classroom, and now here I am complaining about all the time I get with my kids, geez I sound like a total B word! But, staying home with kids and running a household is a full time job in itself, BA-LIEVE it.
When Matt and I got married I had no intention on not working. I was a successful hair stylist who spent a lot of time and energy into building my clientele… and I LOVED my job. When I became pregnant with Hudson (sooner than we thought), I realized my days behind the chair would come to an end at some point. I tend to get a humongous belly, bad back aches and swollen cankles during every pregnancy, and I knew this one wouldn’t be any different! I didn’t work with my other two pregnancies so this was a whole new experience. By the time I reached my 3rd trimester I was DONE, retirement here I come! I was in for a huge rude awakening. Retirement in my world consisted of picking my kids up from school everyday, being able to cook fresh meals whenever I wanted, and oooooh ya, sleeping in!!!! YAHOO!!! But it also came with bickering children 24/7, anxiety and a sense of loss. I know that may sounds totally ridiculous given the fact I was able to be there for my family in ways I hadn’t in 7 + years, bit it was not an easy transition for me.
Although I enjoyed a couple of months off from work, after Hudson came I was sent into a tale spin of mixed emotions, crazy hormones of course, post-partum depression (it’s a real thing people!), and a total loss of identity. I wasn’t sure who this married woman with 4 kids was, I didn’t know what I liked to do and no matter how much I prayed, I still felt this loss. For the longest time my identity was in my kids of course, but also my career and social life, and that all dwindled when my new sweet baby boy came. As time went on I started to give myself some grace. I knew couldn’t do it all. I went from being a CrossFit fanatic to fat and pregnant, from working and socializing all week to being holed up in my house not wanting to leave or have anyone come over. I hadn’t had a baby in over 9 years and I forgot all about the loss of sleep and fussy baby moments, what was I thinking?! I wouldn’t let anyone touch, breathe or even look at Hudson because he was MY baby. I was unbelievably overprotective and filled with so much fear that something would happen to him. I started to accept the fact that nursing Hudson was not going to work past 3 months, Hudson threw up almost overtime he ate (now I know its because he’s allergic to SO much), my nipples bled and I how could I focus on losing weight if I had to eat 5,347 calories a day to feed my starving child who can’t even tolerate my milk?! AHHHHHHH!!!! Ok, you get the picture now right?
As time went on, I got into fitness again (Karena and Katrina form Toneitup.com is where I started) and that really helped balance me and my mood swings out. I mean, lets face it, I’m WAY less psycho when I get a good sweat session in! But even 2 years after Hudson was born, and 3 years into my marriage, I was still feeling like I was missing something. When Matt and I talked about starting my blog last year, it was the first time in a LONG time that I really got excited about something. I was going to have a purpose beyond my home life, I was starting to see the light, thank you Jesus! Then when we added on to our home (we turned a large attached rv garage into living space) we decided that adding a salon suite was a good idea, I was even more thrilled to have my hands back in hair, to be creative again and have some adult time I so longed for.
It’s been a little over a year since we started working with a web designer and started our home renovation and it’s been one heck of a ride! But I have to say, It’s been a blast. I’ve met some amazing women from blogging (some don’t know who I am yet, but I know them because I stalk their IG haha!) and it’s so fun to have some of my old clients back in my chair. Sure, I have moments when I want to quit everything, blogging, hair styling and being a mom, but when I look at the bigger picture, I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to do it all. To be able to work from home and still be there for my kids, to be there for Hudson, and to blog whenever I want. Our lives are so crazy busy, our home is a wreck everyday the cleaning lady doesn’t come (she comes every other week) so you can imagine it looks like a tornado went through it. There’s piles of mail on my counter and dishes in the sink….. but we’re ok with it! Well, I’m ok with it, Matt might not be but he supports me and my craziness! I think I function better and am a happier person when I’m crazy busy. So with a whole lotta prayer and support from my husband, I’ve found something I love to do and that makes me feel more purposeful. I want to encourage all of the moms out there, working or not, how impotent it is to find something you love to do. Whether it’s a hobby or a sport, it’s SOOOO important to take the time and do something you love. It’s ok to feel unsatisfied at times, and it’s ok to take time for yourself. I feel like I’m a better mom in some ways because I’m not so resentful for feeling lost in the everyday duties of mom life, I have something else everyday to look forward to. There are days when I wake up exhausted and ready to throw in the towel…. but I don’t, I can’t, and I just keep turning to God for guidance and peace over my crazy life.
If you haven’t found your niche, your talent, or what makes you happy, I encourage you to take some time for yourself and dig a little deeper. Think about what you enjoy, write a list, build an inspiration board and put it somewhere you can see it every day, or simply create one on Pinterest. Take trip away somewhere alone, with a friend or your husband. Or even go somewhere for 1 night, even if it’s a local hotel or spa and just relax and do something for YOU. To all you mom’s out there holding it together, you are a gem and your daily sacrifices go unnoticed. You’re doing a GREAT job!