O.M.G. It’s a freaking miracle I’m here writing! And boy have I missed it. I feel like the holidays were a whirlwind and I’m so darn happy they’re over. I was really hoping to have this post out BEFORE January was over, but life happens, ya know?! It was the most overwhelming holiday season I think I have ever had, and I wish I could pin point why… But I do know that this year I will be more focused on the reason of holidays instead of alllll the things just just don’t simply matter… Also, I must mention that I’m taking a break from hosting Christmas this year and I’m hoping to fly away to an island somewhere warm! Fingers crossed, head bowed, hands clasped, hoping and praying that’s my reality next Christmas 🙂
I’ve been thinking a lot and praying a lot about this space and how I want to use it. I keep feeling like the Lord is telling me to share my heart, so, that’s what I’m here to do today (actually tonight, I’m currently sitting at EllaBleu’s volleyball practice 2 hours away from home, yay!)
So here we go. You guys, the last few months have been hard….like, really hard. And like I said, I just can’t pin point why. There hasn’t been a major catastrophic event that’s occurred, everyone is healthy at home and from the outside, my life looks pretty darn good… and it is! But I have just felt defeated and broken lately on the inside. It could be a multitude of things like my strained relationship with my mother, my dad who’s in pain constantly, my grief about my kids growing up (I call it grief because it’s so much stronger than sadness!) and my uncontrollable PMS. I know the PMS thing sounds like a total cop out but I promise you, its REAL. The rage, the hormones, the hot flashes, and did I mention the rage?! Like a wolf that will devour anything in her path… that’s me 2 weeks out of the month every.freaking.month. It’s to the point where I literally called my Dr today to put me on Prozac, or anything that can possibly help the craze. And for the first time in my life, I actually feel ok with taking something because I no longer want to damage my children and marriage (half kidding). I see a counselor often and that has helped tremendously over come some other obstacles, but there’s still a part of me that feels so uncontrollable at times. So ladies, please, PLEASE, if you are in the same boat, don’t ever feel like you’re alone and you shouldn’t have to seek help or take anything to help you through life…. because I’m right there with you sister!
I can’t stress it enough that even though it might look like from the outside someones life is amazing and “perfect”, that doesn’t mean that person isn’t struggling on the inside, and NO ONES LIFE IS PERFECT! I feel like the times we live in are so challenging. Not only do we have extra pressure being moms and wives (thanks a lot Pinterest and all your crafts and perfectly home cooked meals) we have more pressure than ever to have perfect homes and successful careers (thanks a lot Instagram and your perfect curated feeds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), we’re also judged at every step we take when we share our lives on social media (I know, it comes with the territory) and heaven forbid you disagree politically on Facebook because someone is waiting to devour you in an instant and tell you how horrible you are for supporting someone they don’t agree with!!! REALLY?!!!!!! WHY does everyone have to be so rude?! For the first time in my life this year I have felt both completely secure and yet so insecure in who I am at the same time.
I was at a local fundraiser with some amazing and inspirational women a month or so ago and there was this beautifully talented girl who taught herself calligraphy, she is seriously unbelievable at it! Any who, she was making these little cards for us with our ‘word’ for 2020 on them. At first thought I chose JOY because I’m always wanting to ‘choose joy’…. but it’s not that easy and lately I’ve come to the reality that it’s really NOT.THAT.EASY! So as the night went on and I was chatting and mingling, a girlfriend of mine and I were laughing about our tummy pooches and she said “I’m just embracing my mom pooch” and I thought oh ma Gahd! Thats my word! EMBRACE!!!!! SO, I had cutie pie Brooke (you can find her here) write me another word card that reads EMBRACE. This year, in allll the mess I’m in and regardless of what the enemy (satan) is feeding me (bad thoughts and insecurity) I am going to embrace who I am, where I am and what I am right here and right now. Not 6 months from now, not 10 years ago when I was making stupid decisions (and boy did I make a LOT of them!!!), but now, RIGHT NOW. I am going to embrace that I am a daughter of a Holy God who loves me, He LOVES me, all of my flaws, all of my dimples, all of my mistakes (maybe not all of them but He loves that I’ve learned from them!) ALL OF ME. (And He loves all of you too!) I’m so tired of looking at the future, for constantly worrying about what’s next and whether I’m good enough or not. It’s simply exhausting.
I think we could all benefit from us giving ourselves some more grace, am I right?! Because the world is so hard on us, we become so hard on us and on each other. Our expectations are over the moon and so unattainable at times! I certainly am not out of the woods yet, and maybe I never will be totally “out of the woods” with these feelings, but I’m really striving to embrace today and just taking it one day at a time. Jesus tells us “do not to worry about tomorrow; fo tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34 NASB) Boy, ain’t that the truth?!! This week I encourage you to embrace the season you’re in, and if you have a girlfriend who is struggling, come along side her and let her know she’s not alone!
As always, thank you so much for reading, have a blessed week!!