So….. does anyone else feel like they’re maybe a tad bit busier in the summer then when school was in?! I mean, between VBS drop offs and pick ups (a whopping 3 hours in between!) and summer camps and activities and movies and swim lessons, and and and and and…. holy crap it makes my head spin typing this! Regardless, I’m happy it’s summer, I’m happy I get to sleep in a little bit later and PRAISE THE LORD IT’S FINALLY FREAKING WARM OUT! But guess what, we’re heading back to Breckenridge next week, and guess what else…. it’s still freaking COLD there! UGH!!!! (Currently trying to remain grateful that I get to go on vacation with my family, regardless of the temperature 😉 ) Anyway, this post is going to get a little below the surface today so beware, it’s a long one!
Kids- Austin is about to turn 17 (what?!!) and he’s going into his junior year! I can’t even believe it. He’s focused on kickboxing right now and getting ready for the wrestling season during school. He also bought his first truck a few months ago so we have a driver in the house and even though its really nerve wrecking, its so nice having another driver! Praise God (and please Jesus, take the wheel and keep him safe!) EllaBleu just turned 15 and finished up her freshman year. When she’s home (not at her dad’s) I feel like I hardly see her! She’s our social butterfly of the family….. and when she’s home she’s in her room with the door shut, oh teenage girls! She’s enjoying summer with her friends and is looking forward to volleyball camp. Grayson is officially a teenager and going into 8th grade, which means in one more year we will have 3 kids in high school! Holy moly! He’s enjoying riding his new dirt bike, getting ready for mountain bike season and teaching Hudson alllll about cars 🙂 Hudson Bear will be turning 6 in August and starting kindergarten, bring on the tears! He wants a dirt bike for his birthday but this kid is pretty reckless so we may start with a quad 😉 Matt is enjoying our RV and slowing down at work (his goal to slow down has always been July 2019). We have some fun trips lined up and he’s learning how to relax a little more (his job can be verrrrry stressful at times) He is such a hard worker and gives everything 100%, he’s like the energizer bunny but he’s getting tired. It’s fun watching him transition into a new season in his life and take some time for himself.
Audrey– I’ve had so much on my mind and I’ve been doing an inventory of myself and thinking about where I want to be, who I want to be, what I want to be (clearly I have identity issues!) and I feel like I’ve been searching for my purpose for so.many.years. For the last 3 1/2 + years I have had much of my focus being on this blog and on IG. I take breaks from them (mostly the blog) but posting is constantly on the back of my mind but at the bottom of my “to do” list. I hate that I haven’t put more time into blogging and at the same time I hate that I’ve let social media steal my headspace. What I’m saying is that even though I don’t post consistently, I’m constantly thinking about it. I feel guilty that I haven’t been more present with my kids, I hate that I’ve let it steal my joy and my self esteem, and I’ve brought myself deep into debt trying to keep up. I wanted to be a fashion blogger, but I also blog about other things, so I guess that would put me into the “lifestyle blog” category but right now I feel like neither. I feel defeated, beat up and bruised by comparing myself to other fashion/lifestyle bloggers. At times I feel like I’m not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough or maybe my house isn’t good enough or clean enough and my style sucks and I should just give up. These are seriously the thoughts running through my head from time to time! Can you relate? Maybe you’re not a blogger but do you ever find yourself in that comparison trap? I wish it were easy to just ignore those thoughts and think “who cares what other people think”, but it’s so much easier said than done.
I remember when my kids were babies and thinking ” Is this it? Like, is this my life now? All I do is not sleep, feed and cater to kids?!” Don’t get me wrong, there was plenty of times where I was totally good with that, but that never lasted long. For years I would say my identity has been being a mother and a wife and maybe even a hairstylist (a couple days a month doesn’t really count)… but honestly, that’s not always enough for me. Being a mom is my role, being a wife is my commitment, and being a stylist is my job. I love those roles and feel incredibly blessed to be all that I am, but that’s not ALL I want to be. I want to be a friend, a good friend, a mentor to other young ladies, I want to be kind (to everyone all the time, probably unrealistic I know!) I want to be an example of Christ and His love, I want to be a successful blogger, a great stylist, I want to be involved in the church more, I want to give my time helping others, especially single moms…. the list goes on and on. I can get SO caught up in what I want to be instead of who I am in Christ and it leaves my head spinning so out of control that I just give up. But when I ask myself who I am in Christ it stops me in my tracks because truthfully, I don’t really know. Right now my identity is all over the place, it’s not rooted deep into the truth of who He (God) says I am, it’s dependent on how I’m feeling in the moment, whether I feel confident or defeated. It’s dependent on how someone made me feel or who they say I am. It’s dependent on my hormone cycle and how psychotic I am and then feeling guilty for being a monster and once again I’m back to those thoughts cycling around in my head that I’ll never be anything more than a walking raging hormone that’s damaging my kids and my marriage! Ladies, this is a dangerous, vicious cycle. Please please please know that if you’re ever feeling this way, your not alone!! (Or am I the only crazy one with all of this going on inside my head?) The truth: YOU are a child of God. I am a child of God and that should be enough right?… But why isn’t it?
Because we refuse to believe it, and when we do finally believe it, it doesn’t stick long. Our minds are the enemies (talking about satan here) play ground and boy does he love having those opportunities to get in there and tell us lies. Lies about ourselves, our spouses, our lives etc. But just know that we have the control. We have the control to allow him to steal our thoughts and we have the control to let the Holy Spirit take over. It’s a constant battlefield right?! One minute we’re at peace and the next minute we’re a freaking mess! Some things that I’ve found that help (I’ve talked about this several times in previous posts) are exercise (I need to sweat!), yoga/hot yoga, (those quiet times help my mind so much) and being in the Word. The bible is our armor! We have the words and prayers to guide us through any trial, we have the most powerful tool right at our fingertips! (Also, Joyce Myers books Battle Field of the Mind and Change Your Words, Change Your Life are amazing, they have helped me SOOOOO much!) When I’m rooted in scripture I feel more at peace and more confident, I feel like I can tackle pretty much anything and satan has NO power over me. But if I’m not careful, in the blink of an eye those thoughts and affirmations are replaced with self doubt and worry. Who’s with me?! If you’re experiencing any of this, I encourage you to seek a friend who shares the same values who you can talk to (talking to a girlfriend is so healing!!) who will pray for you and even with you, I encourage you to find a book that speaks to you and your struggles, to find a devotional that’s easy to read and understand and I encourage you to pray, PRAY.IT.ALL.OUT girl! I struggle with these things/thoughts on a daily basis sometimes and it takes me redirecting my thoughts constantly to get back in line with the truth. I don’t expect the struggles to go away, but I expect to get better at recognizing these patterns and praying about them, and I hope the same for you!
Ok, I feel like rambling now and probably repeating myself 100x’s so I’m going to wrap it up! At the end of the day, us women need to know we’re not alone, we alllllll struggle with so many similar thoughts and problems and insecurities. We as moms don’t always just want to be moms! We want to be more, and that’s ok to want more! But remember, God has SO much more to give us then we can find anywhere and in anything! I hope you come along side me today and pray for strength and guidance through these challenging seasons of our lives. Find your sanctuary, somewhere you can go and have some peaceful time to rest and pray. Maybe its a room in your house (seriously some people have prayer closets and I think that is SO cool!) or some where in the wilderness, a place where your hike or even your car when you’re alone. I also hope you come along side another struggling mama or friend and let them know they’re not alone and be that friend that they know will lift them up in prayer and support them and love on them. I hope you all have an amazing Sunday and I hope to hear your thoughts on todays post!